Almost Insane

2009-01-18T00:56:00.005+05:30

Evanescent Hope, Eternal Despair...

Only You Remain,

In Memories.

I Love You, Mona, I Love You

-Abhirup

2009-01-18T00:50:00.003+05:30

"Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take...
I'll be watching you"
- Sting & the Police

In The League Of Light

2008-12-06T00:15:00.001+05:30

Dreams and hopes keep me alive. So many girls, so many dreams and so many impossible hopes have returned into the blue. Like a sudden storm, they’d crept into my heart, and left behind a trail of disaster, without a single rainbow in the sky. Yet, I yearn to spend a lone moment without pain, without tears…without disappointment.

Ruthless fate rules my life with coldly contemplated destruction- of everything innocent and pure. They say that I’m addicted to pain, but I guess that pain’s addicted to me. I dream…what I dream…of laughter upon the meadows…of golden sunshine in her hair…of her dainty fingers tying a delicate ponytail. I love You, Mona…beyond words, beyond sanity…beyond life.

I have no hope…just despair…soon, my days will disappear. Whatever I do…I can’t replace you. The fragrance of every distant dream still lingers in the darkness… engulfing me, unbuilding the castles that I’d built in the air. You just remain, in memories.

When I saw You, Mona, shining in the Delhi sun…I’d nothing else to see…
Do dreams come true?
Only time can say…

Love is blind, but beauty’s blinding…You’re the beauty…that makes the heavens cry in desire…the beauty lovers sing about…the beauty that overpowers every single heart…A moment of truth, then it’s all gone…before I began to live at all.

You evoke a million feelings in me…which all culminate in selfless desire…
I love You, Mona…I love You, Mona, when the night is young; and the day’s weary of burdened duty. I love You, Mona when the sky is grey, and raindrops make it look so blue. I Love You, Mona every gloomy day…every fragile moment…

I’m the king of the world with You in my heart, and I don’t exist without You…
Ambition, confidence, wealth…everything’s futile…eventually Life is futile…it’s the tender moments that make it…worthwhile…to fight this war we’re doomed to lose.
There’s just one question haunting my head:
Why wake up when it’s all coming true in dreams?
All desire…and each yearning find their rightful place…But my dreams are cruel- they give me hope, only to take it all away, in brutal wakefulness.

Love is like a drop of light dancing on smoky winter waters. The mist will pass away, but not before my life is over. There are sadists in heaven, who rejoice in my heartbreak. Hope had kept me living all these days, and the death of hope has numbed my life.

Here and now, I’ll say goodbye, I’ve no hope left to live for anymore…

A Sense Of Loss

2008-12-06T00:13:00.002+05:30

Each moment can’t be captured in a photograph…a still is like a painting…and a video, an abomination…life transcends language, love transcends lives; past overwhelms future and each living instant is gone forever. I leave behind nothing in life, except a burning regret of unfulfilled wishes, incomplete dreams…and wasted love.

Your beauty fills in the blanks left in life by my mistakes. The things I’ve said or done cannot be erased from reality…but they can be buried underneath my lies. I begin to wonder…if I’ve lost everything in life...My dreams, my love, and every thought that I’ve ever had, eventually led me to nothing at all.

How many times should I start over? Perhaps, I should have given up all those days ago...Once again, I’ve got nothing to say- yet, I want to say so many stupid things…My Life is cursed, I’ve lived beyond my time for sure, Heaven has no place for me, and hell is such a lonely place. Nobody cares, if I die for you, Mona.

But you’ve made me a better person, in all my drunkenness, I’ve learnt humility…
The skies are so clear tonight ‘coz the clouds have nothing left to cry. Everybody finds their dreams come true someday. I’ve tried to chase my dreams, but I chased them away. I’ve been drinking a lot lately, from your cup of poisoned Love, and all I want to do is die in your arms.

Such a stupid wish is my deepest desire.
If you accept me, you’ll make me immortal.
At least, for a moment, that’s what I’ll be.
If you reject me, it doesn’t matter.
You’ll just murder what’s left of me.

So the question’s better left unanswered…false hope is better than no hope at all…

Another day, has gone away.
I sang to the dusk,
When the sun went down..
When the sky so blue,
Had a pinkish hue…
-Remains of a dying day..
The trees began to silhouette,
Against the drowning Sun…
With birds on the branches
Dancing in the breeze…
So beautiful, So simple
And the river of life
Rushes past the sea…
But will that river,
Come back to me?

I’m just a prisoner of ruthless fate…that rules upon my decadent dreams, and reflects upon your pretty face, those eyes…those sweet lips breaking into a smile…like daybreak after the darkest nights...And I miss those days of my fool’s paradise, the innocence lost, with the allure of unknown worlds which had appeared but a moment ago…to capture every breath, every heart, and every life.

The good things in life, must pass away…
And the lovely girls must disappear,
So sounds of laughter die out in gloom,
Tearing through my empty room.
There’s love in dreams, in daydreams,
In songs and noisy traffic jams,
In the sunset and the parks,
In the birds and their mating dance.

The skies aren’t clear anymore,
But moonlight diffuses through the clouds
-Which hide the heavens from mortal eyes.
I’ll miss you, Mona, more than ever.

An Epilogue To Friendship: For You & Me

2008-11-17T10:18:00.004+05:30

The following poem is for Mona…
…who touched my heart, and reached…into the very deep…

I met her on 2nd of July, 2007…at about 9:17am…in the biology class…
From where I was sitting, I couldn’t see her face…
But she ran her fingers through her hair…

And I heard her read a word or two…then I just heard her voice…like music…
There was nothing else to hear…

The only friends I’ve ever known
Have left me weeping all alone…
It’s time again, for me to know:
Just one last day, before you go…

You gave me hope, in sweet despair
With fingers running through your hair.
There’s more (to) friendship, than love, I see
You’ve taught that very lesson to me

And moments ago…are ages apart;
Stealing memories from my heart…
My friend, tonight we have to part.
But the words you said, cannot depart

Distance grows; it’s the fate of time
A life so cruel…is nature’s crime
There’s a just reason for my sorrow
…If our friendship has no tomorrow.

Where there’s hope, there’s dismay
For all our lives must pass away…
My friends will vanish anyway,
And I’m slowly dying, everyday.

Goodbye,
Goodbye,
Goodbye…

...Because I Love You

2008-11-13T21:34:00.007+05:30

I dreamt with eyes wide open last night
For in the morning I’ll be dead.
My heart is tired of beating away,
And thoughts run no more in my head.

In evanescent hope, eternal despair,
My dreams that shattered. reappear…
And that is how my grim life goes
As the rivers of fate unwind their course.

Yet, these dreams, were once my own.
They were crystal clear, like reality.
But love follows a logic unknown.
Where faith is just fragility.

When Nemesis befell, and malice grew
And life had stolen my honeydew
The Roses of Love withered and dried
Strangers lived in the lovers who died.

Morning received the dismal day,
She fell out of love, she went away.
Leaving behind the heart she’d torn.
Pregnant with love, she’d left unborn.

All roads must lead to Rome,
But where’s the one that led to home?
Undo the deeds, which we left undone.
All for one was all for none.

I dreamt with eyes wide open last night,
‘Coz in the morning, I’ll be dead.
My heart is tired of beating away,
And thoughts run no more in my head.

Mona, In The Mountains...

2008-11-01T01:24:00.009+05:30

Every morning, the clouds silently knock on my windowpanes and I suffer from the sweet delusion that she’s in the other room. Surviving is a daily chore, without her voice waking me from my dreams. The freshness of the day becomes so stale, when reality overpowers imagination. Somewhere, she awakes, perhaps smiling at her lover, enraptured in ecstasy, bodies entwined in eternal embrace.

I stand before the mirror, gaze transfixed on the decrepit & wasted youth standing in my reflection. And I wonder if other narcissists feel repulsed by their own ugliness too.

Once in a while, it rains here in the hills, and it becomes exceedingly difficult to tell avalanches from thunderstorms…well, the lightning does help in that of course. Last night, the earth and the sky had consummated their love once again, leaving telltale signs in the wet grass, silently visible through the glass garden door.

Her memory returns to haunt me in the monsoon winds, and I question my conscience,

Is it wrong to seek refuge in death?...There is no destiny, not anymore, now that she is beyond the veil of time and timelessness. So many dreams, dreamt in vain, have departed to dreamless sleep.

Sometimes, love transcends the threshold of expression. There are no words, no actions, no smiles, no tears…just love in its purest form -simply existing, like the winds so free, so invulnerable, so fragile. Everybody is born to do something in life; some are made to win…others made to lose. Some are made to love, others made to be loved…her smiling photograph floats in my mind.

I remember how my eyes would swim over her skin, entranced in delusions of love. Mona, my Mona…I love everything about you…your voice, your beauty, your thoughts, your words, your dreams…I love you so completely. I have no past without you, and no future without you…Just a wretched existence in the present moment…

Is this loving for love’s sake?

The mountains come alive in the night, while the ancient gods reside in silent snow, and the trees yet unnamed stand silhouetted against the moonlight. Life passes me by while I wander, captured by the breathtaking beauty of the moment; I feel almost insanely involved in her memories…Without her there is no victory, and with her there is no defeat.

Mona, I begin to write again:

Tomorrow has passed away…there is despair in my heart.
I’ve buried the shattered pieces of my dreams.
Sometimes, I seem to hear Your voice ,

And see Your face...everywhere;
In sweet madness, overwhelming me with delight.

Mona, my Mona, so beautiful…

Just like the heaven in Your eyes.
Somewhere, darkness overtakes me,

I return back to insanity.
Can I live my life without You?
How can I live my life without You?
Without You, there’s no life at all…

Mona, my Mona, I Love You.
I Love You, like the Night loves the Day…
Never together, forever apart
Nearly meeting at Dusk and Dawn…
Eternal separation, eternal age.
Just kill me now; I’ve no life to live.
I’ve been murdered in your heart.

If I could build my fate again,
I would live my entire life for you.
The past is dead, and the present- inert.
Remember, the future’s written by you.

Love letters gather dust, left unsent,
As virgins wither, left untouched;
While lovers vanish, left unkissed…
And life proceeds, left unlived.

Mona, my Mona, I Love You.
I Love You, only You…everything about You.
You’re my flame, my burning fire.
You’re my passion’s raging desire.

But, every storm doesn’t bring rain
And every cloud needs a reason to cry…

I’ve found mine.

2008-10-19T01:50:00.011+05:30

My Love...

My love, I’ve lived in a mistaken dreaM;
Roses wither too fast in the loneliest houR…
Intimate moments on the streets of delhI
Galaxies of stars shiver in the sweet smoG
And I feel so lifeless, like quicksand, MonA
Newborn words escape my fountain peN
Killing me all over again with cruel heartbreaK
Another day, has passed away, forever MonA

Music washes through my empty rooM
Repulsed by the reflection of my mirroR
In every fragile moment, so desperately I
Glimpse into dreams, dreamt so biG.
And silent light steals my shadow, MonA
Night will bury my love once agaiN;
Kiss your lover-one last heartbreaK
All my love was spent on you, MonA.

Murder me, in every single dreaM
Red & blue blood in my love foreveR.
I wander in these streets of delhI,
Going home, waking to a dream too biG.
Although, someday we’ll meet, MonA
Never leave me living, as I’ll burN;
Kill me in silence, my lonely lucK.
As you leave my dreams forever, MonA...

My heart is flowing with the streaM
-Ready to quench the thirsty summeR.
I’ve forgotten the dream I’ve dreamt, so I...
Go away and find someone to huG
And cherish it every moment, MonA.
Nothing persists in a pursuit too sooN.
Kiss the wind that touched my brooK…
Always isn’t forever anymore, MonA.

Moonlight pierces my heart, my realM;
Reason leaves my mind in terroR.
Infected by infatuation, sometimes I,
Gamble hope away for love’s offsprinG.
And if this be my only life, MonA,
None can change the past, but maN.
Keys open no doors to my lady lucK
At least, wistful songs are written, MonA…

2008-10-06T13:25:00.004+05:30

Dear Supergal ,

Dis blog is dedicated 2u, 2 ur smile & 2 da memories u've made 4me. u've been the gr8est source of inspiration & luv 4me. Perhaps, it's 2late, maybe, i'd never stood a chance...but as i say, it's easy 2 luv what's gon away...and easier to luv what's nevr been. A luk @ ur face makes da blood in my veins break free, & flow away like my tears, while muzik washes dis empty room- where da cold murder of luv repeats.

Yours

Wannabe Superboy

Strangers, But Lovers

2008-10-06T13:14:00.003+05:30

Sam was having a bad day…he sat sulking in his car as it sped through the rain-washed streets, a sad song was playing in his head even as he lowered his tinted window glass. The sweet smell of the earth danced around in the cool breeze…
I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.
Love is so short and forgetting so long.
Neruda’s sadness came alive in him and tears welled up, unable to hide from the agony of his loneliness. He switched off his phone for the first time since he had bought it three months ago, the car audio wasn’t working but he thought he heard music. The empty pack of cigarettes stared back mockingly at him; they were still in the same place she’d left them.

Sam reached home, unlocked the door, switched on the T.V., opened a can of beer and sank onto the couch. He looked up at the heavens, saw the ceiling instead and began to count the abrasions with utmost sincerity. A glance at the window confirmed that it had started raining again.

Ashmita was undoubtedly beautiful, endowed with aquiline features and blessed with a voice sweeter than the spring air. She was the queen of many a heart, but a heart too tender, is too soon broken; and that, precisely, was Sam’s problem. Sam heard her laughter, he heard her speak…she seldom did speak to him anymore, but when she did, he felt alive after a long, long time.

Being a patient man is a trying experience, but Sam had taken the chance of going insane…for her. He reflected over the miles on the dot- of dreams and thoughts, which separated them. Solitude, the wine of isolation, engulfed his identity, his existence…and he was afraid of the unlived life.

Three years of love, seemed to be three short days. He was made to love, not to trust. He remembered the first time he saw her, it wasn’t love at first sight; it was just a deep longing…that turned to love as their eyes met moments later. Every morning he would awake thinking of her, and every night fall asleep wishing that he dreamt of her.

Until, one day they were fated to meet -for hours they talked, rather she talked, while he pretended to listen, lost in her eyes. He saw her smile and her laugh; he counted the lines of her frown and he wanted to kiss her cheeks. The kiss did come, but that was history, now. Two weeks of a torrid love story, came to an incongruous end.

He closed his eyes, and caressed her letter-it felt like her skin, like her lips, like the music in her voice. Then, he unfolded it and read it again:

“…yes, I love you too. I love you like the air that breathes into my heart, the passion that kindles the fire in my soul. I love you like there will be no tomorrow, no today; just the moment we live in.

I’m dying honey, and I’m dreaming up a reality…I cry for you every single day. Where has the past gone away? Don’t you love me anymore? Where are the dreams that you dreamt for me?

Sometimes, I remember how you’d call me- six times a day, to say nothing…just hear my voice. It brings tears to my eyes, for you’d write songs to me, and now you’ve thrown them all away. You always told me that I was beautiful; you told me beauty blossoms in pain. Now look at me, I’m in pain, so kiss me as I die.

Love and loss, are letters apart, you’ve left me weeping all alone.
You’ve killed me with your silence; it’s not something that your words could do. For the sake of our love, for the time ‘we’ were everything that we ever wanted, tell me. Why?”

She never heard any of his answers; she simply eloped with another man.
Tragically, she was mistreated and battered by her drunkard of a husband. Yet, she smiled, for she had to spite Sam, and that thought kept her alive… the vengeance of a woman spurned.

Today could have been different, thought he, tonight she could have been here with me…but it remained a thought. All those days of dreaming, those nights of reading letters by the candlelight were gone forever. The fairytale in his heart remained, and he counted the stars of a cloudy sky. She had slipped away.

Yesterday, there was a call in the middle of the night. A seven months pregnant woman had killed herself, and the baby couldn’t be saved. The husband was absconding. The voice continued…
It was her.

Slowly, the truth, like music, sank into him.

Love Left Unspoken

2008-10-06T13:11:00.001+05:30

Hear the voices of rustling leaves
When fate and choice have gone away
And bare feet walk on the silent grass
’Coz love can wait for another day

Hear the voices on the boulevard
You’ll never hear them speak again
Raise your hand to say goodbye
But never let her see your pain.

Cry for the love, you left unsaid
And kill the words you want to say.
Share the sad songs with your head
You should‘ve sang them yesterday.

Every heart that loves must break.
Hear the whispers, that aren’t true
At least, you hear her voice once more
Though she’ll never come back to you

Regret the loss of dreams, my friend
-The dreams you saw in her eyes.
Alone, you’ll meet your lonely end
’Coz it’s too late now, to realise.

Le Billet Doux (Written a year ago)

2008-10-06T13:07:00.002+05:30

Insanity and sanity are all in sanity…

The promise of dreams, in dusty embers,
Smoulder in the echoes of homes forlorn;
And a dying man in late September,
Decides to wear the crown of thorns.

You stir the bedlam of my memories,
My Dust is hallowed by your light.
The spasm of silence is toxic glory,
In smoke that showered in the night.

As crystals may dream, of your moonbeams,
The hymn of your touch does console
Like the falling rain on a dying stream,
You are the oasis of my soul.

The demented agony of my hope remains
For brutal hysteria is drenched in denial.
Of my mind is born- faith and pain,
And memories of your fleeting smile.

All the quiet mortality departs in tears
Like the rain of diamonds from the sky.
And its shadows fade in darkest years,
In my grief of the days gone by.

The fading glance of your fragrance may dance,
To a requiem for my forgotten dream;
And the deceit of sanity renders entranced:
My heart once broken, at fragile seams.

A life so frayed since I betrayed
May now sublime with pieces of time.
Then death absolves my heart dismayed
-To fall in love was my passion’s crime.

To a Grandma, gone forever...

2008-10-06T13:01:00.004+05:30

When my heart is lonely, parched and dry
The tenderness of your touch, I miss.
See the tears of grief that Heavens cry,
When Princes, Prophets or Mothers die.

Yet, I cannot know where they go:
Those days of laughter, tears and love
My deepest pain’s been washed by rains
That shower’d on the plains below.

Now, your skin is snow, your heart is ice;
And, I begin to regret your sacrifice.
The time is ripe for tender tears, so I
Cry for the pain that a mother bears.

In Evanescent hope, eternal despair,
Your love has borne my silent tears.
But you’re far away, into my past.
What’s far away can never last.

The solemn mountain, in silence, speaks,
Of his earnest love, for the seven seas.
The forever strong, is now forever weak
-His tears have found their last release.

For the body that dies, when souls arise
And wander beyond the cloudless skies.
While its children grieve and can’t believe,
That the gift of death is God’s disguise.

My dreams have left me on their way,
I’ve been absent from my infernal life.
The wages of your love, our tears can’t pay
For now your love has gone away.

Your sacred fire begins to burn
My shadow’s left my company.
A lesson of life, I begin to learn,
As they shake the ashes off your urn.

The veil of pallor, in silence came
Then Light and Dark did come undone;
For Good and Evil mean the same,
In the kingdom of the Divine One.

When death is over, rebirth begins
You’re the pure that cannot sin
You’re the love that hides her face
You’re the void of empty space.

You’re the dunes of the desert sand.
You’re the forests of foreign lands,
You’re the hope of a dreamer’s heart
You’re the statue that falls apart

You’re the river, and the mountain sky;
You’re the love that cannot die.

Kiss Me Goodbye, The Kiss Of Death

2008-10-01T22:16:00.004+05:30

I dreamt with eyes wide open last night
‘Coz in the morning, I’ll be dead.
My heart is tired of beating away,
And thoughts run no more in my head.

Death can’t hurt my soul today,
Your lips have left my lips alone.
My dreams have left me on their way,
Like the silence of my telephone.

Beneath the shimmer
Of stars that shine.
With silent glimmer,
You’ll be mine.

What Love unites
Does Fate estrange…
And words can’t answer,
Why people change.

Kiss me dead
I fail to say-
‘I’ve ceased to breathe
Your breath today.’

All night long, I’ve talked to walls,
Of love that changed me for a while.
Their plaster tears began to fall;
For you, my darling, and your smile.

All this love and nothing to show,
There’s nothing to help me cry.
My tears have gone, where lovers go
And the grief of rivers, in silence, lie.