Evanescent Hope, Eternal Despair...

Only You Remain,

In Memories.

I Love You, Mona, I Love You

-Abhirup

"Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take...
I'll be watching you"
- Sting & the Police

In The League Of Light

Dreams and hopes keep me alive. So many girls, so many dreams and so many impossible hopes have returned into the blue. Like a sudden storm, they’d crept into my heart, and left behind a trail of disaster, without a single rainbow in the sky. Yet, I yearn to spend a lone moment without pain, without tears…without disappointment.

Ruthless fate rules my life with coldly contemplated destruction- of everything innocent and pure. They say that I’m addicted to pain, but I guess that pain’s addicted to me. I dream…what I dream…of laughter upon the meadows…of golden sunshine in her hair…of her dainty fingers tying a delicate ponytail. I love You, Mona…beyond words, beyond sanity…beyond life.

I have no hope…just despair…soon, my days will disappear. Whatever I do…I can’t replace you. The fragrance of every distant dream still lingers in the darkness… engulfing me, unbuilding the castles that I’d built in the air. You just remain, in memories.

When I saw You, Mona, shining in the Delhi sun…I’d nothing else to see…
Do dreams come true?
Only time can say…

Love is blind, but beauty’s blinding…You’re the beauty…that makes the heavens cry in desire…the beauty lovers sing about…the beauty that overpowers every single heart…A moment of truth, then it’s all gone…before I began to live at all.

You evoke a million feelings in me…which all culminate in selfless desire…
I love You, Mona…I love You, Mona, when the night is young; and the day’s weary of burdened duty. I love You, Mona when the sky is grey, and raindrops make it look so blue. I Love You, Mona every gloomy day…every fragile moment…

I’m the king of the world with You in my heart, and I don’t exist without You…
Ambition, confidence, wealth…everything’s futile…eventually Life is futile…it’s the tender moments that make it…worthwhile…to fight this war we’re doomed to lose.
There’s just one question haunting my head:
Why wake up when it’s all coming true in dreams?
All desire…and each yearning find their rightful place…But my dreams are cruel- they give me hope, only to take it all away, in brutal wakefulness.

Love is like a drop of light dancing on smoky winter waters. The mist will pass away, but not before my life is over. There are sadists in heaven, who rejoice in my heartbreak. Hope had kept me living all these days, and the death of hope has numbed my life.

Here and now, I’ll say goodbye, I’ve no hope left to live for anymore…

A Sense Of Loss

Each moment can’t be captured in a photograph…a still is like a painting…and a video, an abomination…life transcends language, love transcends lives; past overwhelms future and each living instant is gone forever. I leave behind nothing in life, except a burning regret of unfulfilled wishes, incomplete dreams…and wasted love.

Your beauty fills in the blanks left in life by my mistakes. The things I’ve said or done cannot be erased from reality…but they can be buried underneath my lies. I begin to wonder…if I’ve lost everything in life...My dreams, my love, and every thought that I’ve ever had, eventually led me to nothing at all.

How many times should I start over? Perhaps, I should have given up all those days ago...Once again, I’ve got nothing to say- yet, I want to say so many stupid things…My Life is cursed, I’ve lived beyond my time for sure, Heaven has no place for me, and hell is such a lonely place. Nobody cares, if I die for you, Mona.

But you’ve made me a better person, in all my drunkenness, I’ve learnt humility…
The skies are so clear tonight ‘coz the clouds have nothing left to cry. Everybody finds their dreams come true someday. I’ve tried to chase my dreams, but I chased them away. I’ve been drinking a lot lately, from your cup of poisoned Love, and all I want to do is die in your arms.

Such a stupid wish is my deepest desire.
If you accept me, you’ll make me immortal.
At least, for a moment, that’s what I’ll be.
If you reject me, it doesn’t matter.
You’ll just murder what’s left of me.

So the question’s better left unanswered…false hope is better than no hope at all…

Another day, has gone away.
I sang to the dusk,
When the sun went down..
When the sky so blue,
Had a pinkish hue…
-Remains of a dying day..
The trees began to silhouette,
Against the drowning Sun…
With birds on the branches
Dancing in the breeze…
So beautiful, So simple
And the river of life
Rushes past the sea…
But will that river,
Come back to me?

I’m just a prisoner of ruthless fate…that rules upon my decadent dreams, and reflects upon your pretty face, those eyes…those sweet lips breaking into a smile…like daybreak after the darkest nights...And I miss those days of my fool’s paradise, the innocence lost, with the allure of unknown worlds which had appeared but a moment ago…to capture every breath, every heart, and every life.

The good things in life, must pass away…
And the lovely girls must disappear,
So sounds of laughter die out in gloom,
Tearing through my empty room.
There’s love in dreams, in daydreams,
In songs and noisy traffic jams,
In the sunset and the parks,
In the birds and their mating dance.

The skies aren’t clear anymore,
But moonlight diffuses through the clouds
-Which hide the heavens from mortal eyes.
I’ll miss you, Mona, more than ever.

An Epilogue To Friendship: For You & Me

The following poem is for Mona…
…who touched my heart, and reached…into the very deep…

I met her on 2nd of July, 2007…at about 9:17am…in the biology class…
From where I was sitting, I couldn’t see her face…
But she ran her fingers through her hair…

And I heard her read a word or two…then I just heard her voice…like music…
There was nothing else to hear…

The only friends I’ve ever known
Have left me weeping all alone…
It’s time again, for me to know:
Just one last day, before you go…

You gave me hope, in sweet despair
With fingers running through your hair.
There’s more (to) friendship, than love, I see
You’ve taught that very lesson to me

And moments ago…are ages apart;
Stealing memories from my heart…
My friend, tonight we have to part.
But the words you said, cannot depart

Distance grows; it’s the fate of time
A life so cruel…is nature’s crime
There’s a just reason for my sorrow
…If our friendship has no tomorrow.

Where there’s hope, there’s dismay
For all our lives must pass away…
My friends will vanish anyway,
And I’m slowly dying, everyday.

Goodbye,
Goodbye,
Goodbye…

...Because I Love You

I dreamt with eyes wide open last night
For in the morning I’ll be dead.
My heart is tired of beating away,
And thoughts run no more in my head.

In evanescent hope, eternal despair,
My dreams that shattered. reappear…
And that is how my grim life goes
As the rivers of fate unwind their course.

Yet, these dreams, were once my own.
They were crystal clear, like reality.
But love follows a logic unknown.
Where faith is just fragility.

When Nemesis befell, and malice grew
And life had stolen my honeydew
The Roses of Love withered and dried
Strangers lived in the lovers who died.

Morning received the dismal day,
She fell out of love, she went away.
Leaving behind the heart she’d torn.
Pregnant with love, she’d left unborn.

All roads must lead to Rome,
But where’s the one that led to home?
Undo the deeds, which we left undone.
All for one was all for none.

I dreamt with eyes wide open last night,
‘Coz in the morning, I’ll be dead.
My heart is tired of beating away,
And thoughts run no more in my head.

Mona, In The Mountains...

Every morning, the clouds silently knock on my windowpanes and I suffer from the sweet delusion that she’s in the other room. Surviving is a daily chore, without her voice waking me from my dreams. The freshness of the day becomes so stale, when reality overpowers imagination. Somewhere, she awakes, perhaps smiling at her lover, enraptured in ecstasy, bodies entwined in eternal embrace.

I stand before the mirror, gaze transfixed on the decrepit & wasted youth standing in my reflection. And I wonder if other narcissists feel repulsed by their own ugliness too.

Once in a while, it rains here in the hills, and it becomes exceedingly difficult to tell avalanches from thunderstorms…well, the lightning does help in that of course. Last night, the earth and the sky had consummated their love once again, leaving telltale signs in the wet grass, silently visible through the glass garden door.

Her memory returns to haunt me in the monsoon winds, and I question my conscience,

Is it wrong to seek refuge in death?...There is no destiny, not anymore, now that she is beyond the veil of time and timelessness. So many dreams, dreamt in vain, have departed to dreamless sleep.

Sometimes, love transcends the threshold of expression. There are no words, no actions, no smiles, no tears…just love in its purest form -simply existing, like the winds so free, so invulnerable, so fragile. Everybody is born to do something in life; some are made to win…others made to lose. Some are made to love, others made to be loved…her smiling photograph floats in my mind.

I remember how my eyes would swim over her skin, entranced in delusions of love. Mona, my Mona…I love everything about you…your voice, your beauty, your thoughts, your words, your dreams…I love you so completely. I have no past without you, and no future without you…Just a wretched existence in the present moment…

Is this loving for love’s sake?

The mountains come alive in the night, while the ancient gods reside in silent snow, and the trees yet unnamed stand silhouetted against the moonlight. Life passes me by while I wander, captured by the breathtaking beauty of the moment; I feel almost insanely involved in her memories…Without her there is no victory, and with her there is no defeat.

Mona, I begin to write again:

Tomorrow has passed away…there is despair in my heart.
I’ve buried the shattered pieces of my dreams.
Sometimes, I seem to hear Your voice ,

And see Your face...everywhere;
In sweet madness, overwhelming me with delight.

Mona, my Mona, so beautiful…

Just like the heaven in Your eyes.
Somewhere, darkness overtakes me,

I return back to insanity.
Can I live my life without You?
How can I live my life without You?
Without You, there’s no life at all…

Mona, my Mona, I Love You.
I Love You, like the Night loves the Day…
Never together, forever apart
Nearly meeting at Dusk and Dawn…
Eternal separation, eternal age.
Just kill me now; I’ve no life to live.
I’ve been murdered in your heart.

If I could build my fate again,
I would live my entire life for you.
The past is dead, and the present- inert.
Remember, the future’s written by you.

Love letters gather dust, left unsent,
As virgins wither, left untouched;
While lovers vanish, left unkissed…
And life proceeds, left unlived.

Mona, my Mona, I Love You.
I Love You, only You…everything about You.
You’re my flame, my burning fire.
You’re my passion’s raging desire.

But, every storm doesn’t bring rain
And every cloud needs a reason to cry…

I’ve found mine.